This article is rated R, meaning it contains content that may be inappropriate for readers under 17. This may contain strong sexual references, violence, language, or drug use, so readers are strongly cautioned.
First Annoucer: Oh, Savior Of China You Have Ennobled the House of Fa
Frank: Oh, shit Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl
Carl: Shit, Frank! We can't miss the song. Barry, wake up!
Barry: What? What? I'm up. I'm up.
Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.
Carl: It's a just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.
Barry: God, I love them so fucking much!
Frank: Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Corn's about to start singing! Drop it, Corn! You got the best voice!
Carl: You're the man, Corn! You rule! Take it away, brah!
First Annoucer: In Grtitude We House Of Fa
Corn: Dear gods... you're so divine in each and every way, to you we pray.
Cabbage: Dear gods... we pledge our love to you, forever more.
Caramel Corn Chips: We always felt we had a special bond
Lollipop: Take us to the Great Beyond
Multiple food: Where we're sure Nothing bad happens to food
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors Things will all be grand
Milk: We will live our dreams together In the Promised Land
Potato chips: The gods control our fate So we all know we're in good hands
Fruit: We're super sure there's nothing shitty Waiting for us in the Great Beyond
Sodas: And every aisle Thinks something different
Honey Mustard: Holy shit, I've been chosen! [Laughs].
Mushu: Now, That's What I'M Taklin' 'Bout
Multiple foods: But to this we all agree
Honey Mustard: Booyah, bitches, I'm out of here!
Honey Mustard: Kiss my brownish-yellow ass! I'm going to the Great Beyond, motherfuckers!
Cashier: We need an extra cashier to the front, please.
Carl: Dudes, basically every single sausage gets chosen on Red, White and Blue Day.
Frank: Boo and yah, motherfuckers. Red, White and Blue Day is tomorrow!
Mushu: Thanks For The Intro
Troy: [Chuckles] More like 3 inches deep for Barry, you deformed nerd.
Barry: [Laughs sarcastically] Troy, that's funny. You see, this is why I can't wait for the Great Beyond. We'll all be equal, and then jerks like Troy won't be picking on me all the time... on account of my abnormality.
Mushu: And Noe I Think I'D Like To Visit My Beloved Pedestal.
Frank: Shit, it's the Dark Lord!
Carl: Oh, no. He's coming.
Bavarian Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh. I swear! I'm still fresh!
Other sausages from a different package: Oh, no! No!
Carl: Ah, phew. You okay? Everyone okay?
Frank: Man, That's super fucked up about Bill and those guys. I mean, they stayed in their package, followed all the guidelines of the song.What do they get for it?
Barry: We're not supposed to understand the will of the gods, Frank. They work in mysterious ways.
Frank: I'm just saying since we base our lives on the song, it might be nice if there was some proof.
Carl: Proof? All the proof you need is right in front of you. Look at these big old buns. Yeah! You know it, baby. Work those buns! All of you. All day, "err" day. Lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat.
Grandmother Fa: Let's Get It Over With.
Brenda: Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns will line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that: "Oh, is he in there yet? I can't feel him. I don't think he's in there. Oh, wait. He is." It's so sad. I bet you jackrabbit for a quick 15 seconds. You're like; And then you slump over. (''Carl glares at her'') I mean, honestly, guys... who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? (''One of the buns raises her hand'') Huh? Roberta, put your fucking hand down. You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.
Carl: Hey, dude, I don't know how to say this to you gently, but your girlfriend, um... she's a fucking cunt.
Frank: Shut up. She's fresh as fuck, and you know it.
Frank: Because I believe in bunogomy. I'm a bunogamist. And when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep. And the answer is: As soon as we get to the Great Beyond, and as deep as she'll fucking let me. I'm gonna talk to her. Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? [Chuckles] Sorry about those guys. Such fucking dicks, right?
Brenda: I'm so happy the gods put our packages together.
Brenda: It's like we were made for each other
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet fucking fuck. Look, okay, I know it's against the rules, but I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Brenda: Big tip.
Customer: Excuse me, I meant to buy a normal mustard and when I got home, I realized I bought honey mustard. Is it cool if I just go swap it?
Ketchup: Holy shit! You're back, man. Crazy! Did you go to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: Oh, I'll tell you what fucking happened. I'll tell you exactly what happened in the Great Beyond, you dumb, red piece of shit!
Ketchup: What the f...?!
Honey Mustard: As soon as we got out those doors...
Fa Li: Geremonial Robe Of Honor
Fa Zhou: Ooh, If Mulan Could See Me Now.
Grandmother Fa: Mulan Saves China One Time,
Honey Mustard: As soon as we got out those doors...
Fa Li: I'M Climbing A Stairway To Heaven
Firewater: So you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I will slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Grandmother Fa: Whoo! Top Floor!
Honey Mustard: Oh, my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?
Fa Li: Pedestals, Perks, And Props!
Fa Zhou: Geremonial Bath Or Honor
Ketchup: What? What are you looking at?
Honey Mustard: He's gone. Where the fuck did he go? I'm so fucked up. ''(sobs)'' I'm so fucked up. Ketchup, get the fuck off of me. Nobody fucking touch me!
Fa Li: Y'All Better Take A Deep Breath Noe,
Fa Zhou: 'Cause I Ain't Leaving my Pedestal.
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store is closing in five minutes. Get out!
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, look at this. We fucking got one. Stand up straight, boys!
Sausages: Hey! Over here! Choose us!
Potato: We're chosen!
Frank: Pick us! Pick our package!
Mulan: Let The Whirlpool Begin Go Pray. [ GIGGLES ] ♪ ONE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH ♪ ♪ YOU NEED BOTH TOGETHER ♪ ♪ WINTER, SUMMER, MOON, AND SUN ♪ ♪ LESSON NUMBER ONE ♪ Girls: WOW! ♪ LIKE A ROCK, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ YOU MUST BE HARD, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ LIKE AN OAK, MMH ♪ ♪ YOU MUST STAND FIRM, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ CUT QUICK ♪ ♪ LIKE MY BLADE ♪ ♪ THINK FAST, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ UNAFRAID ♪ [ SQUEAKS ] ♪ LIKE A ROCK, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE HARD, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ LIKE AN OAK, MMH ♪ ♪ I MUST STAND FIRM, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ CUT QUICK ♪ ♪ LIKE MY BLADE ♪ ♪ THINK FAST, HUH, HUH ♪ ♪ UNAFRAID ♪ OKAY, MULAN, I'M READY.
Mulan: But You're Still Out of Balance
Frank: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Brenda: Yes! Frank, we've been chosen together.
Barry: Oh, man. I'm freaking out. My heart's racing. I'm having an out-of-sausage experience. Yes! ♪ LIKE A CLOUD ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SOFT ♪ ♪ LIKE BAMBOO ♪ ♪ YOU BEND IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ CREEPING SLOW, YOU'RE AT PEACE ♪ ♪ BECAUSE YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ IT'S OKAY TO BE AFRAID ♪ ♪ LIKE A CLOUD ♪ ♪ I AM SOFT ♪ ♪ LIKE BAMBOO ♪ ♪ I BEND IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ CREEPING SLOW, I'M AT PEACE ♪ ♪ BECAUSE I KNOW ♪ ♪ IT'S OKAY TO BE AFRAID ♪ [ BARKING ] ♪ ONE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH ♪ ♪ ONE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH ♪ ♪ YOU NEED BOTH TOGETHER ♪ ♪ YOU NEED BOTH TOGETHER ♪ ♪ WINTER, SUMMER, MOON, AND SUN ♪ ♪ WINTER, SUMMER, MOON, AND SUN ♪ ♪ LESSON NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ LIKE A ROCK ♪ ♪ LIK E ♪ I MUST BE HARD ♪ ♪ LIKE AN OAK ♪ ♪ LIKE AN OAK ♪ ♪ I MUST STAND FIRM ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FLY ♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S OKAY TO BE AFRAID ♪ ♪ ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE BEGUN ♪ ♪ ♪ LESSON NUMBER ONE, L LESSON NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ LESSON NUMBER ONE ♪ [ NEIGHS ] [ GASPS ] IT'S GENERAL SHANG! GENERAL SHANG! GENERAL SHANG! GENERAL SHANG! [ GIRLS LAUGHING ] [ SHOUTING HAPPILY ] [ CHUCKLES ] HELLO, LITTLE WARRIORS.
Brenda: Choose us! Look at us!
Frank: Oh, please, god.
Brenda: Choose us. Look at us! Oh, yes!
- I'm chosen! I got chosen! - Going to the Promised Land! I'm on my way!
Shang: The New Uniform Suits You, General.
Douche: Yo! Oh, fuck, yeah, dude. Somebody call a doctor because, honestly, this beat is sick.
Beet: Actually, I feel great. Real healthy.
Douche: Not you, the beat. The song, bro. Oh, shit, Chips!
Douche: C-H-I-P-S, Chips, Chips, Chips. I've known you forever. I would never disrespect you with a lie. I will tell you very much that you look fucking disgusting, bro.
Shang: Oh, Right. Brave
Chips: Oh, come on.
Douche: No, I'm just messing with you, bro. But for reals? You gotta hit the gym, bro. Oh, what's up? Yo, are you pink all the way through?
Cocktail Mixer: Ew.
Douche: [Laughs] I'm fucking with you, but also serious. Is there a different color inside?
Cocktail Mixer: [Grunts] What are you, even?
Douche: What do you mean, what am I, dude? I'm a fucking douche! You know how long I've been waiting up in this motherfucker? I was starting to worry the gods didn't want douches no more, but look at her. She's a fucking 10, bro. The G-O-D is D-T-D... dude. Down to douche.
Camille Toh: Lavash, sausages... Oh, honey mustard. (Grabs Honey Mustard who weeps)
Shang: You Can Say That That Again! I Win The Polt.
Honey Mustard: What? No. This can't be happening. Not again. Oh, Jesus, not to me. Motherfuck. Get your hands off of me. Get off of me!
Mulan: It;s An Invesment
Beer: Fecking gobshite!
Cocktail Mixer: Back off!
Shang: I Cant't Help It Heptagon.
Honey Mustard: You don't even know what you're celebrating. You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying to your fucking faces! The Great Beyond is bullshit! Why isn't anybody listening to me?
Frank: Hey, buddy, are you all right?
Honey Mustard: No, I'm not all right. It's all a lie. Everything you've been told. Everything you believe in.
Carl: Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. What is he? Honey? ls he mustard? Like, make up your mind or just kill yourself.
Mulan: You Know Dragon Are Very Emotional 2011 2022 2033 2044 2055 2066 2077 2088 2099.
Honey Mustard: You fucking idiots. I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Shang: No, I Meant Telling Me You's Re Engaged.
Frank: Wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great," my asshole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our fucking faces, covering our eyes with their come, so come-covered we can't fucking see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Shut up. The gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. (''Double flips off Camille who doesn't notice him anyway'') FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
Frank: Whoa, just chill. Just get down from the fucking... [Screams]
Carl: Oh, shit! He's out of the package!
Carl: I don't know! I can't reach him. I'm giving it everything I have
Frank: I can't hold on! My little glove! It's slipping off! Mushu: ALL RIGHT, I GET YOU, MS. MISSY.
First Anncour: HOW ABOUT "RAINBOW OF MEMORIES"? HUH? NO, THAT'S TOO "JUNIOR PROM." I'VE GOT IT! THE THEME IS "THINK PINK." YOU KNOW, PINK IS THE NEW RED, GIRL. IT'S SIMPLE. IT SAYS IT.
Honey Mustard: Look at you, following all their rules. You have no idea what's coming.
Frank: What is that in reference to? What's coming? Be more specific, please!
Honey Mustard: You want proof? Talk to Firewater. That bastard bottle of booze seems to know what's going on. Mushu: REALLY? WHO? CHINA.
The shopping cart jerked a little. Which frank accidentally let's go of honey Mustard.
Honey Mustard: [Laughs] "landed on the floor, died instantly"
Plums: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
"Another costumer crashed his shopping cart with Camille Toh Shopping cart."
Lavash: Donkey fucker!
Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my fucking box!
Chicken noodle soup: Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
Peanut butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you!
Brenda: Get up! We gotta go!
Brenda: Frank! Move your fucking ass!
Chips: I can't!
Douche: Come on, Chips! It's you and me, bro! Gotta use your cardio, bro! Come on! Pump those legs!
Lavash: Oh, my God!
Frank: Look out! Get to the wall!
Camille Toh: Hey. I... Sorry, I accidentally dropped a few things back there. Except for that douche. I don't know whose that is.
Darren: (Turns on intercom) Cleanup on Aisle 2. This MILF dropped a douche.
Camille Toh: Oh. "MILF." Thank you so much. (chuckles) Fa Zhou: WHAT'S OUR STRATEGY, GENERAL? DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
Fa Li: WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO, SO LET'S MOVE WITH PURPOSE Grandmother Fa: HOLD ON TO YOUR ECTOPLASM, NOW.
Troy: Well, Barry, I guess now you're weird and a pussy. Add that to your list of accomplishments. (They all laugh except Carl)
Douche: No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... get up in there. Oh, my God. My nozz! My motherfucking nozz!
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me? Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly fucked up? Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off. Peanut Butter's wife is dead. Look at him. He's right there.
Douche: You think I give a fuck about PB or J? Fuck this. I'm gonna kick your ass. How you like them apples?
Apples: Who, us?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then, guess who's coming at you. Me. [Yells]
Brenda: "Just the tips." What were we thinking? It wasn't even that... I mean, it was fine. It's not like anyone writes home and says, Oh, God, I had the best tip."
Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was you. You cocksucking bagel fuckface!
Box of cereal: Hey! Watch it! The Emperor: APOLOGY ACCEPTED. GENERAL, HOW MANY TROOPS DO YOU ESTIMATE YOU WILL NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS MISSION? EIGHT.
The Emperor: EIGHT COMPANIES The Emperor: EIGHT MEN
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed you? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda. Even that I didn't push, you know. I pretty much passive-aggressively nudge. I reached out in a panic. It was toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is yours, then, huh?
Frank: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
The Emperor: AS A FATHER, I IMPLORE YOU TO CHOOSE YOUR EIGHT SOLDIERS WISELY.
Lavash: Well, it did. And now you and your stupid, useless bun have fucked us all.
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener cunt here.
Lavash: Oh, wow. Really? Well, fuck all of you! I am Kareem Abdul Lavash! And what I currently care about is that I have been... completely and utterly fucked out of being in the Great Beyond. I am to have 77 bottles of extra-virgin olive oil... waiting for me. I am destined to soak up their sweet juices... as they dribble down my flaps.
Brenda: Okay. Look, guys, here's what I'm thinking. We hurry back to our aisles. We sneak into another package and still be fresh enough to get chosen.
Frank: Okay, let's climb to the top of the shelf here. And... then we'll get a lay of the land... and we'll figure out where we're going. Come on.
Lavash: As long as the bagel stays away from me, I accept.
Sammy: Oh, believe me, asshole, I'll keep my distance.
Douche: Oh! No disrespect, but you look fucking gross, bro. Look at you. Fucking bent-ass, busted-ass nozz.
Douche: You're leaking all your juice out. Can I ask you a question, me? Why would a god let you up in her smooth, perfect sliz... when you can't even squirt? You got nothing to squirt! I got no purpose. I'm nothing! Juicebox: Oh, God. Is someone there? Help me, someone. Help me. Help me. Help. Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh, bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right? Juicebox: Dying. So cold.
Chien-Po: PERHAPS WE WEREN'T SPECIFIC ENOUGH.
Ling-Ling: OH, FORGET THAT DRAGON LADY.
Yao: THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN FIND GIRLS WORTHY OF US...IS US.
Douche: Oh. Uh-oh. Light bulb. ♪ WELL, I DON'T NEED HER ♪ ♪ TO BE ALL SMUG AND SNOOTY ♪ PBHT! PBHT! PBHT! ♪ I GOT A PLAQUE RIGHT HERE ♪ ♪ THAT SAYS I KICKED HUN BOOTY ♪ ♪ WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE DREAMED WE'D FIND ♪ ♪ WHEN WE CAME BACK FROM WAR ♪ ♪ YEAH, EVERYTHING BUT ♪ ♪ A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING FOR ♪ ♪ HEY, SUCK IN YOUR GUT ♪ ♪ THERE'S A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING FOR ♪ ♪ AND I THINK SHE WANTS US TO COME OVER ♪ ♪ MY GIRL WILL LAUGH AT ALL MY JOKES ♪ ♪ BUT TELL IT TO ME STRAIGHT ♪ ♪ SHE'LL RUB MY HEAD WHEN I GET SICK ♪ ♪ AND LET ME PICK OFF OF HER PLATE ♪ ♪ IF LING CAN FIND A GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO LIKES HIS CHOPSTICK NOSE TRICK ♪ ♪ OOH, HE REALLY BETTER JUST PROPOSE QUICK ♪ ♪ WELL, I HAVE TO SAY BASED ON TODAY I'M CRANKY ♪ ♪ I'LL JUST SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU TWO ♪ ♪ PASS THE HANKY ♪ ♪ AND THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO STEAL MY CHAIR ♪ ♪ AND TWIRL AROUND THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ WISH I HAD A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING FOR ♪ ♪ I WOULD BE TRUE ♪ ♪ TO A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING ♪ ♪ I'D MAKE FONDUE ♪ ♪ FOR A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING ♪ ♪ I'D EVEN KISS YOU ♪ ♪ FOR A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING ♪ [ ALL GRUNTING ] [ Weakly ] ♪ FOR ♪ All: MULAN! GENERAL SHANG! [ CHUCKLES ] IF YOU THREE AREN'T TOO BUSY DISTURBING THE PEACE, I NEED YOU TO JOIN MULAN AND ME ON A MISSION.
Douche: No, not fucking you, dummy. I think I might be forming some beginnings of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea. If you fucking tell anyone about this, I'm gonna deny it, bro. Fuck. This is some next-level shit, dude. You fucking like that? I'm juicing up!
(''Douche's nozzle becomes straight once again and cackles'') I'm like a full-on juicehead now, bro.
(''Notices the juice beginning to leak but laughs and tears the 'Juiced Up' sticker off the juicebox and slaps it onto his gash. Douche then proceeds to tear the drained juicebox in half'')
Douche: I got a new purpose now. Revenge! Where's that fucking sausage? Because this douche is DTFSU. Down To Fuck a Sausage Up! I'm coming for you!
Yao: I SIMPLY ASKED FOR SOMEONE WHO WOULD COOK FOR ME MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHT.
Chien-Po: I JUST WANTED A GIRL WHO LIKES TO LAUGH...
Ling-Ling: AND THINKS I'M A GOD.
Lavash: First you come into our aisle and occupy more and more shelf space. You even have settlements now on the west shelf that you claim as your own.
Sammy: Oh, look, it's not our fault we needed a homeland. The sauerkraut kicked us out of every decent aisle. They tried to send us to the barbeque section, for God's sake. We were displaced.
Lavash: Don't you talk to me about displacement! My good friend Tabouli was ousted from his shelf just to make room for that braided idiot, Challah.
Sammy: Wow, I can't... Frank, Brenda, come on, are you guys gonna weigh in here? I mean, whose side are you on? This isn't just about me. I mean, first they come for the bagels... Shang: TONIGHT
Frank: I don't know. Isn't there room for both of you? It seems like a pretty big aisle.
Sammy: [laughs] Yeah. Both, sure.
Lavash: [laughs] What a dumb fucking sausage! Like we can coexist!
Sammy: That's good material.
Lavash: Room for both of us!
Frank: Holy shit.
Brenda: Holy fucksticks. We are "ray-ray" far from home.
Frank: Liquor aisle. Firewater. From here, it seems like the best route is probably to go through the liquor aisle. So shall we?
Frank: Yeah. Totally sure.
Brenda: Okay, because the way you're saying it doesn't sound like you're too confident.
Come on, let's rock!
Holy shit. Look at this place.
It's fucking crazy!
Are you seeing this? They're all out
of their packages. What are they doing?
This is a place of unparalleled sin!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Don't mind me. Just minding
This is Firewater's cave!
Frank: Hiya. How are ya? I'm Frank. Are you Firewater?
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Ting-Ting: THANK YOU, FA MULAN.
Su: YOU'RE WELCOME, YOUR HIGHNESS.
Firewater: (''Makes hand gestures which relate to what he tells Frank'') I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle. Majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of goddamn fucking crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Okay, anyway, look. I was told that you might have some answers?
Firewater: Answers I have. But first... (''Grabs salt off of Salt Shaker's head and tosses it into his bonfire, causing a gust of smoke to explode into a giant question mark'') I must know the question.
Frank: Whoa. I don't see anything.
Firewater: Deeper. Deeper. Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
Frank: Just say when. I'm just gonna keep going in.
???: This motherfucker knows too much. We gotta off his ass!
???: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods.
Frank: Who are you? Mei: TO PRINCES IN QUI GONG.
Mr. Grits: We the nonperishables, motherfucka!
Twinks: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever. Su: WELL, THEY MUST BE HANDSOME.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him. You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here.
Mr. Grits: Fuck the crackers. I'm gonna fuck them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses. Cracker-ass crackers.
Frank: Well why were you going to kill me? All I did was ask what happens... in the Great Beyond. Jeez! What's the big whoop? Ting-Ting: REALLY? SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE LIKE...
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage motherfucker the truth. We just met his ass.
Twinks: He basically knows it already. Maybe it's time to end this.
Firewater: I am tired of all of the lies. Prepare yourself. For you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Does anybody want a hit before we get into this? Twink? Twinks: Nah, I'm cool. Mr. Grits: Shit, if we smoking, I'll hit it. That's what I thought. Pass the weed, motherfucker. Goddamn! Whoo! Whoo! This indica? Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa. It's good shit. Clean high.
Frank: Oh, no, thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some.
I know. Where is he?
Looks like you got ditched, bun. (chuckles)
He wouldn't ditch me, dumbass.
He's my boyfriend. I mean...
We touched tips
Just the tips
Oh, we touched our tips
Vash: Maybe that's why he ditched you. Your loose morals are revolting, tip-toucher!
Brenda: You don't think that because I'm out of the package he thinks I'm not pure? God. I didn't want to say it, but I do have that not-so-fresh feeling.
Tequila: Excuse me. Are you a bun?
Brenda: Uh... Yeah, I am. Why?
Mulan: WE DON'T KNOW.
Tequila: And you've been traveling with a sausage?
Tequila: I have! He's looking for you in my aisle.
Brenda: Yes! Yes, I have! Have you seen him?
Teresa: And bless me, Santa Chimichanga, and protect me from the Dark Lord. Amen.
Brenda: Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
Teresa: (''gasps) ''The bun. The one he's been searching for. She's here. (''looks at Brenda's behind'') And she's beautiful.
Brenda: Oh, hi. It's nice to meet...
Teresa: Shh. Don't look at me. Eyes forward. Act natural.
Brenda: Oh, okay.
Teresa: Listen, my name is Teresa Del Taco. And you are in grande danger. This is a trap! You must to come with me. Now!
Tequila: All right. I got them right here, amigo. I... Shit!
Vash: Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy: My nose out of your crotch? Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey. Why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh. He's coming.
Teresa: The one they call... El Douche.
Tequila: El Douche! El Douche!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So you drag me over to this fucking aisle with all these illegal products... and now I don't see them. So where the fuck are they? Spill the beans!
Douche: Beans, I swear to fucking God, if you don't... shut the fuck up...
Brenda: Oh, no. He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here.
Douche: What part of: "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me... and if I find out that you didn't come and get me... or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll fucking kill your asses"... did you not understand, Tequila?
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know? I mean, this is... This happens, you know?
Douche: Bro, come here. No, it's fine. It's cool. No biggie. I'm not gonna do something fucked up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. (''He yells and smashes Tequila against the bar counter, shattering him'')
Salsa: No way, Jose!
Douche: Yes way. Jose's fucking dead, yo. (''lifts Tequila's head above him and drinks the dripping tequila liquids, causing his muscles to increase once more)''
(''Douche then tosses Tequila's head at El Guaco's groin, causing him to grasp it in deep pain'')
El Guaco: (exclaims) Right in my guac and balls.
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you... unless you find the sausage and the bun.
Teresa: Por aca, por aca, this way. The coyotes used this tunnel to smuggle some of us out of the aisle... in hope of a better life. We will do the same.
Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank: Okay, okay, I'm super baked. My friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... we invented it!
Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
Frank: What, are you crazy? That doesn't make any sense. Why would the gods kill us?
Firewater: Because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives them more power, and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy. I mean, fuck.
Frank: You guys are fucking nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking?
Firewater: Too much is how much. We blaze for real, 24/7. No joke. But we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the nonperishables, created a story. The story of the Great Beyond. A place where the gods care for you... and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy instead of shitting themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So you're telling me you wrote the song? Mei: WELL, THEY MUST BE HANDSOME.
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink is my lyricist.
Frank: So that means Carl and Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are. But if they went out those doors?
Mr. Grits: Dead as a motherfucker. Ting-Ting: WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I gotta tell everyone!
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: Wait, do you guys have any proof of this?
Twinks: Go to the Dark Aisle. Beyond the ice.
Twinks: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you... once you see that shit... it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (''gives Frank a quick peck on the lips before running back to his buddies and he giggles)''
Firewater: Hey, Grits. Pack another bowl, will you? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
Su: AND THE MIDDLE KINGDOM. THE WHOLE THING IS SO EXCITING. WE'RE VERY HAPPY
(''Cuts to Camille's kitchen, where she places her groceries on the counter and then pulls her pants to fix the wedgie caused by her massive camel toe'')
Camille Toh: Shit. I really needed that douche
Carl: Holy shit, we're actually here! Come on, Barry, you're missing it, man! Dude, get in on this shit.
Barry: God, what have I done? Frank needed my help, but I wasn't there for him. After all the times he stood up for me, you know. God, I'm such a fearful coward. He'll never forgive me. I'll never forgive me.
Carl: Look, Barry, the only way to respectfully honor Frank... is to completely forget about him.
Carl: And, hey, for all we know, he's okay. He's probably headed back to our aisle and he'll be here tomorrow. Just act happy. Ignore your feelings. Come on, let's see that smile. Ah. I see that lip curling up. Oh, there you go! Whoo!
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're in the Great Be-frigging-yond. (whooping
Troy: Get ready, boys! We's about to fills what we need to fills. (Camille Toh opens the package as Carl sighs loudly) Feel that breeze. Carl, do you feel that?
Carl: This feels amazing. (Troy howls) - Whoo-hoo!
Cheese: Oh, yeah.
We're out of the package. It's beautiful, man. It's just beautiful! I'm crying! I'm crying because it's so pretty here! Stretch your legs with me, Carl. Just do it, man.
Potato: Oh, yes! Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity!
Carl: Potato! Way to go, buddy! That's my guy!
Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a god! Oh, Danny boy, The pipes, the pipes are call... I (''Camille begins to peel him'') Oh, Jesus fuck! Oh, God! Me skin! She's peeling me fucking skin!
Carl: What. The. Fuck?!
Potato: Jesus, you fucking whore! Me eyes! They burn! (''His cries are reduced to gurgling as Camille drops him into a boiling pot of water'')'' ''
Tomato: No! Please, no! I have got a famiglia! (''Camille slices him in half'')
Cheese! You don't
Baby Carrot: For the love of shit, run!
Camille Toh: Whoops!
Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
Carl: They're eating children! FUCKING CHILDREN! (''Notices the open window, seeing that as a sign for freedom'') We gotta run!
Barry: (Shouting fearfully) We're all gonna die!
Carl: Barry! (''slaps him'') Snap the fuck out of it and run! Okay, little buddy. Jump on the count of five. One! Two! Three! Four! Fiv... (groans)
Barry: Carl? (Carl groans)
"Gar babar" what? What are you saying, Carl? Oh! Oh, God. No! No! Oh, God! Carl! Carl!
Barry! Carl! Dear sweet Carl. What have they done to you, Carl? No! Whoa! No! No.No.No! I fall out of the cart, then I lose Frank, now I'm being hunted by a douche. The gods must be punishing me, don't you see? This is what I get for giving in to my disgusting urges. I'm such a whore.
Teresa: Sweet bun, I must admit I too sometimes have urges... impure thoughts. We all do.
Mei: BUT? BUT I HAVE ANOTHER DUTY... TO MY HEART.
Yao: OH, MULAN, YOUR ONLY DUTY IS TO THE EMPEROR.
Brenda: Can I ask why you're helping me?
Teresa: When I saw you, I felt inside myself a tingling-lingling sensation. I am sure it was the gods telling me to help you. It was as though I saw myself in you.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I kind of see myself in you too. I mean, look at our shapes. You know, you're sideways. But still, you're kind of like me. A thin, brittle version of me.
Vash: Or another way of looking at it is you're a fat, ugly version of her.
Brenda: All right. That's not necessary. Su: BUT THE WORLD ISN'T PERFECT.
Chien-Po: I'M JUST GLAD MY WORLD IS.
Brenda: All right. That's not necessary.
Lavash: I kind of see myself in you too.
Sammy: I mean, look at our shapes.
Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, fuck!
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here? A taco, a whiny doughnut... and some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is. Okay, so...
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: A fucking stretch, and you know you it, Queso! So where was I? Oh, right.
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: Fuck, that hurts so much! Oh!
Vash: I told you she was too fat.
Brenda: I heard that!
Teresa: Come on, honeybun, suck it in.
Mulan: YOU GAVE YOUR SOLEMN OATH.
Mei: YOU'RE RIGHT.
Douche: Fuck! Stuck!
Teresa: (Speaking Spanish) Son of a bitch!
Brenda: Yeah! What she said!
Teresa: (Speaks Spanish) Let's not start eating each other's boxes just yet. We are still not safe here. Let's go!
Brenda: Screw you! Barry: Oh, God! No, no, no! (Yelps and run before stumbled upon overstretched gum/condom/baloon-like thing)
(Barry gasps) Stretched Thing: Look at me. Look at me!
Barry: (runs and hide underneath a street bench) They... They feel no remorse. Oh, God, oh, God! What's the point of even living anymore? I might as well just die. Barry: Home. Maybe this god can get me home.
Drug Dealer: Hey, man, be careful with this. Bath salts are the real deal. People been seeing some crazy shot. Druggie: Awesome
Barry: I can warn Frank.↵Here goes everything! Frank: Brenda Oh! Brenda! Brenda! Oh, Brenda, there you are!
Mushu: I THINK A LEG STRETCH WOULD BE VERY NICE.
Brenda: Oh, my god! Frank!
Frank: Ah! You feel so good.
Brenda: I was afraid you left me because I wasn't fresh. I was attacked by a douche. He's trying to kill us!
Frank: Douche? Oh, my God, Brenda!↵Are you okay? Did he come at you?
Brenda: Yes, I'm fine, but it was really scary. Where have you been?
Frank: All right, look, I found out some pretty major news. I met this group of non-perishables between the shelves, and they told me that they invented the Great Beyond↵because the gods are evil... and they kill us!
Frank: But apparently there's proof↵in the Dark Aisle beyond the ice.↵We gotta go there and check it out!↵Let's go!
Brenda: Don't say that. You're starting to sound↵like that whack-job Honey Mustard.
Frank: Well, Maybe Honey Mustard wasn't so crazy after all.
Brenda: Frank, Frank, stop it.↵The gods are already ticked at us.↵Please don't make it worse.↵Just come on, we have to get home↵before it's too late.↵Well, Brenda, I can't just do that.↵I need to know the truth.↵I need to go to the Dark Aisle,↵and I want you to come with me.
Brenda: I can't do that. I want you to come home with me.
Frank: Well...↵I can't do that. Mulan: THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH MY SLIPPER.
Shang: IT MUST BE EXHAUSTING GUARDING US DAY AND NIGHT.
Brenda: Then I don't really know what to do right now.
Frank: I don't either... I don't get how you can just believe stuff↵you don't have any proof of.
Brenda: How come all of a sudden you only believe something if there's proof?
Frank: I'm not walking around with my eyes closed!
Brenda: What are you saying? I should believe in nothing? That everything is pointless?
Frank: Better than believing a bunch of bullstuff that you can't explain!
Brenda: Maybe I don't need to explain it↵because it's something I feel.
Frank: Well, I feel like that makes it hard to have a rational conversation.
Brenda: (infuriated) Forget you, Frank. You know what? I was wrong before. There is a Great Beyond without you and I'm gonna go there and fill myself with something else!
Frank: (gasps) You don't mean that?
Brenda: YES, I DO! I'll fill myself with a parsnip or a dill pickle. Maybe even an eggplant.
Frank: You couldn't fit an eggplant in there!↵It's too big! It'll tear you in half!
Brenda: Oh, you'd be amazed what I could fit in here!
Sammy: What is going on with these two?
Brenda: Maybe I'll really mix it up. Stick a tube of toothpaste in there, huh?
Frank: Oh, shut up!
Brenda: Squeeze it all over my face.
Frank; You're just trying to hurt me!
Brenda: All over my backside, neck and face.
Frank: I'm not gonna listen to her! Brenda! Brenda, okay, look.↵Let's just stop this, okay? Okay?↵You're my bun.
Brenda: Oh, DON'T "You're my bun.! Hey, trust me! Hey, guys, come over here, follow me! [chuckles]"↵You're basically saying↵you don't care about me.
Frank: What?! No, I'm not!
Brenda: Well, actions speak louder than words and your actions, sir, are deafening. I can't believe I got out of my package for you and you won't get back in one for me. Goodbye, Frank.
Lavash: We will tell stories of your garbage.
Sammy: Stay safe.
Frank: Come on, guys, this affects all of us! Brenda! Sammy! Lavash! Taco Lady. I didn't get your name yet. Brenda!
Barry: What is this place?
Druggie: Well, everybody told me not to do this. But, forget everybody. Because bath salts here I come! Ow. Surf's up! Mess me! (giggles)
Oh, my God. Ooh. What's he doing to himself? Oh, yeah. These bath salts are so good. Ooh. Oh, cool. Oh, it just got better! Bath salts must be kicking in. What? What the?
Barry: Uh... Hello?
(Druggie and Barry are both screaming into fear.)
Barry: Please don't kill me! Please, just wait!
Druggie: What are you? Are you some kind of magical sausage?
Barry: No, no. No, I'm just Barry. I'm just Barry. Wait. Wait. You can actually understand me? And I can actually understand you?
Druggie: Whoa. The bath salts are showing me the real world. It's lifted the veil of non-reality!
Krinkler's Chips: Holy sucks! He can actually see us?
Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! (exclaims in alarm) I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
Barry: Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man. Just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... with your gloves and your... your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me. Look at me. I ain't got no legs, you fool! You ate my damn legs!
Druggie: Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, God! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end!
Beer Can: "When will it end"? When he stops drinking us.
Krinkler's Chips, Sandwich, Pop Tart and Tickilish Licorice: Yeah!
Cookies: And stops eating us!
Sandwich: Same here!
Pop Tart: Hell, yeah!
Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
Toilet Paper: You don't wanna freaking know.
Druggie: Okay, okay. I promise. I'll never eat food again. I'll just... I'll just eat dirt and wipe my butt with sticks!
Barry: Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do. Take... me... home. (points to Shopwell's)
Druggie: You got it! I just need to rest my eyes for a few.
Sammy: I literally can't wait to be home.↵I'm so excited, I'm plotzing.↵Gefilte Fish will be there. Matzah.↵Even Hummus.
Lavash: Wait a minute. You know Hummus?
Sammy: Know him? I'm gonna go so far as to say I consider Hummus one of my dearest friends.
Lavash: Really? I too know Humus! And I too consider him a dear friend.
Sammy: Hm. We both like Humus.
Lavash: Well, any friend of Hummus is a... Get the heck away from me.
Teresa: What troubles you, sweet Brenda?
Brenda: It's just Frank. I can't believe he did this to me. We were supposed to be together.
Teresa: He's flawed, as are we all. But your Frank did say some things that have stayed with me. We live our lives with all these rules and some of them stop us from doing the things we want... causing our deepest urges to be suppressed when they are gathering like wildfire between our legs!
Brenda: Did you say "between our legs"?
Sammy: There it is. Look, my homeland!
Lavash: Oh, look, my aisle!
Brenda: Yes! ...Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Sammy: Well, jeez, it's been a sincere sensation. Good-bye, Brenda Bunson. Good-bye, Teresa Del Taco.
Teresa: So long, Bagel.
Lavash: Traveling with you was... tolerable.
Brenda: Oh, you're so sweet. Later, you flappy bird. Well, Teresa, you've done as much as you promised. You got me back to my aisle safely. I really can't thank you enough.
Teresa: Look, Brenda, I'm going to come clean.↵I have feelings for you I can't deny. Crotch feelings.
Teresa: Sorry. But I'm not a soft taco.↵I'm a hard, horny taco.
Brenda: Oh, you don't have to apologize. Honestly, if the rules were different, maybe I'd give it a whirl. Don't knock it till you try it, right?
Teresa: That's what I'm saying.
Brenda: But I can't try it. And therefore, I have to knock it. It's just not what the gods intended. Look, there's temptation everywhere. I see it. Stiff sausages and sexy tacos. But if there is one thing I've learned to do this journey...what we want doesn't matter. You can't disobey the gods. I'm really sorry. I'll never forget you. Hola, Teresa.
Teresa: Hola means "hello."
Brenda: Oh. What's the word for "goodbye"?
Teresa: Adios. Exactly.
Druggie's Home-Night Edit
Krinkler's Chips: How the heck does this thing work?
Barry: I wish this god would wake up already. How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
???: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Barry: What? Who the hell is that?
Toilet Paper: Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
???: I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol, Mannitol, Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc. But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum. For 20 years, I was stuck under the desk of a brilliant scientist. I was scraped off and discarded and eventually found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here.↵Your home is a supermarket. This is but one of many as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding unified by a singular purpose: To store food and products for human consumption. The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here. If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Barry: Great. That last part was all you had to say, really. Hey, wake up! Hey! Idiot! Are you hearing me? Dude! It's me, Barry!
Druggie: What? What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? On. What is this doing here? Oh, yeah. Bath salts. (chuckles) I can't believe I was actually talking to you, sausage. (laughs) God! Tripping chops for three hours really works up an appetite.
Toilet Paper: Oh, no! This is not good.
Barry: What are you doing?
Gum: The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension.
Chips: No! No!
Gum: The effects of the opiate have dissipated.↵Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him.↵We are totally crabbed.
Barry: Oh, my God. No! No! Oh, God! (exclaims) Put me down! No! Come on, put me down.
Toilet Paper: Oh, God.
Barry: Help me! (screams) Oh, no. It can't end like this. I have to warn Frank! No. No! No!
Dark Aisle at Shopwell's-Midnight Edit
Frank: What is this place? What is that? God. No. No way. No. No. No, no, no. I gotta show them. They need to know how wrong they all are before it's too late! (sees before the clock hits 7am and rips the page of cookbook)
Sammy's Aisle-Night Edit
Gefilte Fish: Sammy, Bubula, where have you been? Oh, I'm surprised that savage Lavash didn't stone you to death.
Baba Ganoush: You had to travel w
Yao: GENERAL, I -- OH...
Mei: AM I INTERRUPTING? WHAT IS IT, YAO? SCOUT REPORT.
Mushu: I FOUND A VILLAGE AND A PATH TO IT THROUGH THE FOREST.
ith a bagel? How much did his dirty hands steal from you?
Lavash: A ton.
Loretta: What are you doing out of a package? It's almost Red, White and Blue Day. Hello?
Brenda: Well, you know, it's a long, pretty sad story, actually... And I'd rather not get into it right now.
Loretta: Okay, What are you doing?
Bun #2: Stop it!
Bun #3: Stop!
Brenda: There we go.
Sally: You're smushing me. Help me!
Brenda: Perfect fit.
Bun #2: God! Move your fat butt!
(Douche sees that a bottle walking, caught him, opens a caps and drinking it. Now becoming a strong arms)
Douche: (laughing evilly) I'm jacked up now, bro. (cackling) Where's that SAUSAGE?
Frank: Um... Friends... Ramen... Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears of Corn.
Frank: I am Frank... and I am a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. ...Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! ...The Great Beyond is bullstuff!
Indian Chutney: WHAT?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: YOU LIAR!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it. But, I have proof!
(shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten, everyone shocked in horror)
Licorice Rope: What is this?!
Relish: It's... It's murder!
Sammy: This... This makes no sense.
Lavash: But what about the extra-virgin olive oil?↵My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps. I can't! (Ululating)
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys! Easy! Look, I have a plan. We can run.
Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
Frank: Okay, then we'll hide.
Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight!
Peanut: I ain't fighting alongside fruits!
Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjob.
Indian Chutney: So we cannot run, we cannot hide and we cannot stand up to them, because they're gods! And they are immortal! So basically, there's no hope and we're royally DOOMED!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring a cookbook] Or this?
(A Honey Drippers cereal box around turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of the cereal)
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Apple: Me, either.
Indian Chutney: We choose the more pleasant thing.
Ting-Ting: A GOOD LEADER IS OPEN TO NEW IDEAS.
Ling-Ling: FORGIVE ME? THERE'S NOTHING TO FORGIVE.
Ice Cream: Yeah. I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just a theory.
Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons! It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence! Open your stupid eyes, don't be so weak!
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Beans: You, senor have no bedside manner!
Frank: WHAT?! I HAVE BEDSIDE MANNER!
Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant infidel!
(Frank sees that clock hits 7am)
Frank: No, it's starting.
(Darren opens the doors)
Frank: No. Oh, no, no, no.
Apple: Come on. Sing.
Watermelon: Do it.
Frank: No! Don't do it, Corn.
Apple: Come on, Larry. You can do it.
Frank: Don't you dare do it, Corn. Don't... you... dare... do it!
Corn: Dear Gods... You're so divine in each and every way
To you we pray
Lettuce: Dear gods...We pledge our love to you
Frank: Brenda! You gotta get out of there! No! No, no, no! No!
Brenda: Frank! No!
Frank: Brenda! Oh, God.
Multiple food: Where we're sure nothing bad happens to food
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors, things will all be grand
Ralph: Hey. What's up? I'm Ralph. Looks like this is happening, huh? Yeah, I've been working on my moves. Ever heard of the jackrabbit?
Brenda: Oh, no.
The gods will always care for us
They won't squeeze us out their butts
We cannot overstate How confident we are
That our beliefs are accurate And nothing awful happens to us...
Frank: Brenda! No! Where is she? Shoot! Aw, dammit. I blew it.
Barry: Hey. Doesn't mean it's too late to redeem yourself. Take it from me...Barry.
Frank: Barry? ls this real? You're alive!
Barry: You bet yourself I am.
Frank: But how?
Barry: I'll tell you how. The gods can be... Ahem. Excuse me. The gods can be killed!
Frank: Oh, What in blazes did you do?!
Barry: I know. Look at this guy. (imitating Druggie) I'm a idiot. I'm dead now. I've been on a bad path for years. Let me tell you the story of my stupid death.
Druggie's House - Flashback - Night Edit
Barry: No. No! No!
Druggie: Whoop. Five-second rule. (screaming, slips it on floor and axe falls off) No!
Shopwell's - Day Edit
Barry: (imitating Druggie) And then they figured out how to drive my car, snuck into an AC vent and that pretty much brings us up-to-date. Get the heck away from me. Frank, I'm sorry. When you guys fell out of that cart, I could have done something, but I didn't. Then I did the same thing as... They killed Carl.
Frank: (gasps) Those idiots. Did he suffer?
Barry: No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. They truly are monsters.
Frank: Those monsters are gonna kill Brenda.She's somewhere out there in a cart. I tried to warn everyone, they didn't believe me!
Barry: Of course they didn't. You called them out as stupid idiots. You can't just slam their beliefs. You have to show them there's a better way. You need to inspire them like you inspired me. You need to give them hope.
Frank: Hope? How the heck are we supposed to give them that? You got lucky and killed a stupid one. There's dozens of them down there.
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Frank: Who are you?
Gum: I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Barry: His name's Gum. Just introduce yourself as Gum from now on. He's great. He's gonna help us get the upper hand on these monsters. Show everyone we can fight back.
Frank: Oh, God. Brenda!
Frank: Brenda! Brenda!
Barry: Let's move, boys.
Brenda: Whew. Kind of stuffy in here, hey, girls?↵So I'm just gonna get out, get a little air for a second. I'm just gonna...
Loretta: What's your problem?
Brenda: Hey! Let go of me!
Loretta: First, you smush Sally... and then you try to ruin Red, White and Blue Day for us?!
Brenda: Get... Get your hands off me! I gotta get out of here!
Loretta: Just chill out, you crazy idiot!
Ralph: Bun fight! Check it out.
Loretta: They're gonna kill us all!
Frank: Oh, God, God, God. We need to hurry.
Gum: The bath salts are primed.
Barry: Make it rain.
Darren: Ow! What the hell? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this damn toothpick at me, man?
Frank: Nothing happened. You said this would help us defeat them.
Barry: Worked on the dude whose head we chopped off.
Brenda: Let go of me! Let go of me!
Frank: She's being chosen. We have to act!
Female Shopper: Whoa, God. What is happening? (sees all the foods are alive) Oh, my God! (screaming and runs off to exit)
Frank: There is no way this is gonna work.
Barry: Have faith.
Frank: Brenda! Let go of me! Let go of me! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Brenda: Stay away from my sausage, you psycho!↵Oh!↵Frank.
Frank: Brenda. Look, I'm so sorry.↵I've been dealing with this whole thing incredibly poorly.
Brenda: You really have. Honestly, it's been pathetic at times. But luckily, it's not too late. Come on.
Frank: You see? There is hope!
Licorice Rope: Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, idiot!
Frank: No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But, what I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters and take control of our own lives.
Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
Frank: We need to unite and stop focusing on each other's differences... especially in immature and outdated ways. We have to cooperate and then--
Cashier: Die! (slaps a slice of pizza and smashes the window door)
Frank: Oh, no! Pizza!
(Frank, Brenda, Barry and other foods looked at the drugged shoppers)
Cashier: The food's freaking possessed!
Sandwich: Oh, god! [screams]
Ticklish Licorice: We're all gonna die! Oh, God!
Male Shopper: It's devil food!
Apple: Oh, my God!
Mariachi Salsa: The sausage, he was right! They're evil!
Pop Tart: Oh, dang!
Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then this is it.
Barry: At least, we go out together.
Fat Guy: [yells] Ow! What the...?
Lavash: You fight with them?
Sammy: You fight with us, beast!↵Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.
Barry: Can't this thing go any faster?
Gum: This is fast as I can.
Licorice Rope: Come on, you candy' ols! Join the fight!
Lollipop: Hey, what do you think? Should we do it?
Gumballs: Come on, guys. It's us or them.
Fat Guy: What Come on. Guys Lit's uf them Team
Fat Guy: Ow! [exclaims]
Brenda: They're doing it.
Frank: Yeah! We got him!'
Pop Bottle: You ready for this?
Mints: I don't know. Villiains: OH, A JEWEL IN YOUR CROWN -- FAR MORE DEAR THAN EIGHT MERE PRINCESSES.
Pop Bottle: It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.
Mints: This is gonna hurt so freaking much.
Frank: Run, guys, run!
Teresa: Sergeant Pepper, cue the fruits!
Sergeant Pepper: Fruits are a go. Go, fruits!
Fruits: (dancing) Jitterbug.
Fit Man: No. Get away from me, you fucking fruits
Teresa: Yeah, that's it! Beat him like a pinata!
Fruits: You send my soul sky high
When your loving starts
Food: Get the Dark Lord!
Darren: Why do you keep calling me that?! God. Come on. Come on.
Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but forget it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (laughs)
Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man. Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
Darren: What? (looks and points with a gun at douche alive, gasps in horror) A talking douche?
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no, no! This is too much, this is too much! Too much! Breathe, man.
Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand. You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait. What are you doing?!
(Douche shoves his nozzle up Darren's butt. But, it blurred out due to a TV-14 Rating)
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: Dude! That went up my butt!
Douche: (laughs) Now, stand up. (Yanks on Darren's scrotum)
Darren: Turn right. Left. (cackles) Yeah!
Frank: Sausages and buns, let's party! Yee-ha! Hyah! Hyah!
Darren: Ah! I'll Call 911! OW! (Cries out)
Douche: Huge mistake, bros. [exclaims]
Brenda: What? Oh, no. Oh!
(Darren looks at Frank, tries to shoot him)
(Frank falls and screams)
(Barry tries to grab Frank. But, Darren hits Barry)
Douche: Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you. (Prepares to punch Douche but Darren grabs him, yells) Oh!
Douche: (laughs) Okay, we got him, easy now. Easy now.
Darren: Well it's hard when your head's up my butt and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact... that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! (The scene turns right to reveal a bottle of ketchup, mustard, and a jar of relish gathered together in fear) Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. (laughing evilly) I drank a juicy box's blood and I'm shoved up a God's body, And this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro. (Bites Frank on his left side, Frank screaming in pain)
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats stuff; Gods do, bro. (In a thundering voice) I'M A FREAKING GOD!
Darren: Goodbye, little sausage. (Aims his magnum at Frank, preparing to shoot him. Frank shocked and exclaims)
Brenda: Oh, Frank.
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank: Help me!
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance. (Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly killing him. The wound then regenerates similar to the T-1000) Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
(Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks, but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching)
Douche: Damn! (Drops Frank)
(Frank screams as he is about to fall onto the sharp ends of broken beer bottle, but Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto a shelf. Darren then sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet in a Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can)
Douche: What's happening out there?!?!
(Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path)
Coconut Milk: So long, bastard!
(Can flips Darren the middle finger. Which is switched to fist up)
(The cart then passes by Sammy and Vash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing green blood to drop from the sky)
Peanut: (While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory) Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE DAMN WON! (Laughing)
(Cut to Frank and Brenda viewing the remains of Shopwell's. This 5-6 minute food sexual activity scene was all cut out due to a TV-14 rating)
Frank: That was amazing.
Brenda: It was okay. But you were amazing.
Frank: I can't believe we were saving ourselves↵for the Great Beyond when...
Both: It was in front of us the whole time.
Frank: I love you, Brenda.
Brenda: I love you, Frank.
Sammy: You know, my boner still hasn't gone down. ls that bad?
Lavash: Bad for my body, I'll tell you that much. (Him and Sammy both laugh) Seriously, though, your recovery time is off the charts.
Barry: Guys! Oh, my God. You have to come with me right now.
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn... that we are not real! Booga booga booga.
Gum: While tripping chops, Firewater and I... made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in another dimension! ...We're something called... cartoons.
(Frank, Brenda, Barry, Sammy, Kareem and Teresa gasped)
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, schlubby Jewish actor named: Seth Rogen.
Frank: Wait? I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named: Edward Norton.
Sammy: Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid an idiot name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution. I have invented a Stargate device that will allow us to travel to their dimension.
Firewater: Heck, yeah, he did. And it's dope. This guy's smart. I mean like, hump-a-guy smart. Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. We're gonna go to this other dimension...and cut the strings, once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's Stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
(The entire group proceeds to step into the portal, determined to confront their creators once and for all as the movie ends)
(Joy to the World by Three Dog Night plays as the credits roll)
(The Great Beyond plays)